The Journal of a Breton

Still no snow. We had one storm a few months ago which was pretty intense and blizzardy but since then it has been marvelous out. Dad and Patti are planning to come for Christmas eve dinner at Grandma's and Ewan, Katie, Josh, Sarah, Joe and I will all be attending. Christmas day we want to skate down the river with Greg and Leah like we used to but at this rate it won't be cold enough to freeze the river!
Have tons of work lately as the Christmas season approaches but I need the money and I'm finally starting to get back on top of the homework situation. Only two and half weeks left of school and then finals.
Ewan and I bought a digital camera for my Mom for Christmas, the canon A1100, a nice little one, my favourite in it's price range.
At work til 7 then off to Josh's and I can't wait because as usual, I miss him like mad and am in desperate need of some love.

Move day. This is the last day I'll ride the 78 bus and while I generally don't like busing and normally wouldn't care, this bus is the first one that I believe I'll actually miss taking since my school bus in Britain. It's largely because of the length of the ride and the amount of reading I've gotten done on it but also because I got to know Amanda on this bus and meet various other friends on this or the 79. Overall though I think it's Charleswood I'll miss the most, especially down by the river which still remains one of my favourite places in the world because of the peace and calm it's brought me whenever i needed it most. I would like to go back there a few times before I leave for good, I will miss it. I've also not seen the new house yet, I will be today after school. I hope I like it.

My 2160 midterm came back today, 50%. It was not as bad as it could've been, nobody scored 100% and believe it or not I was above average (if only by a little). I believe the prof said the highest mark was 21/25, overall it was marked very harshly and I missed the better solution to both of the programming questions. There is little to nothing to be done about it though. If I drop this course now I'll be another year at University as I'll also be forced to drop two courses next semester, for which 2160 is the prerequisite. For better or worse, I'm stuck with this class.
There was good news as well today though. I got 52/55 on my last 2130 assignment which was far better than I'd dared to hope for. I have a glimmer of hope for the midterm as well since it turns out I was well on track for the last question which I'd completely guessed on at the time. There are three new assignments to do but otherwise for now there's nothing else left but to wait.

The pressure is on in every aspect at the moment. I await the results of my final two midterms, one I hope to receive tomorrow. Tonight we disassemble my bed and I'll pack most of my things save what I'll take with me in the car on Friday. Friday and Saturday will be spent in unpacking and reassembling everything however, throughout this, I must complete two homework assignments for next week and immediately begin planning for my party before which I must also finish a third assignment so that I'll be caught up in all aspects.

Things with Josh are better than ever. We had a talk last night, which I'd long been desiring, about our relationship, the way we feel about each other, our reasons to be faithful along with our desire for children (oddly enough) and priorities to take care of before then and for the first time Josh expressed a real intention to better himself and his position in life. From all this talk, I just know we have a love that is truely built to last.

Last midterm tomorrow and I'll tell you, while I haven't spend nearly enough time in preparation for it, I'm feeling okay. Spent the most part of my bus ride studying and I know where to go from here. But enough about that.
Missed a few pills last week and due to lack of an alternative, couldn't make love to Josh. Fell asleep while attempting to study on Saturday because I'd been up at 6am three mornings in a row. On that particular morning it was for my stats midterm which went really well I think. Anyhow spent Halloween playing Risk with Josh and Chris which drinking lots of beer. Got a little guitar in too which was good. Didn't feel much like eating Sunday morning so I didn't and was already regretting it by the end of my shift when I realized we had a meeting afterward about Christmas and Telus and such. This went on for two hours by which time I was near crazy with hunger. Went to Josh's after eating and wasted time trying to setup Risk online while talking to James about his feelings for Keagan (he likes her and I for one hope things work out for them cause I've always fancied them a good couple) and fell asleep until 3am. So this morning I talked to Amanda on the bus and went to class and now I'm in for a good six hours or more work of work so I don't fail 2130. Good luck to me!

Friday, no work tonight or tomorrow but a midterm on Saturday morning. Review session tonight and not seeing Josh until tomorrow afternoon and then I have to study like crap for my fourth and final midterm, the dreaded 2130. It'll be the hardest yet but the realization that I didn't do nearly as badly on my last homework as I thought coupled with Dad's words in a text message yesterday, "Study hard and you'll do well" have reassured me somehow at least a little bit.
Lately I've been hanging out with Amanda Krouse on Monday and Wednesdays on the bus. She even waited 45 minutes on Wednesday for me to finish class so we could bus home together. Then the bus got stuck on a train and we caught the awful rush house 79 back to Charleswood, crammed in among a million other people. She's from Oak Park, graduated the year before me and another of McLellan's creatures, like me. She's also into video games but on the art side as opposed to programming.
The conversation is nice, even though I miss my reading time those days. I don't socialize nearly as much as I'd like to these days which brings me nicely to the party. Doing nothing for Halloween this year but moving next weekend and the weekend after that (on Friday the 13th) I am planning a celebration of some splendor, if all goes according to plan. More details to come.
Keagan, James and I are still keeping up our weekly liaisons at one coffee shop or another. It's always good fun and great to be able to stay in touch with them. it's also good to know that they also want to spend time with me on a weekly basis, as I said, I don't socialize enough anymore.
As always, looking forward to seeing Josh tomorrow night, I miss him more than I can express during the week. I hope he really misses me too.

Every Tuesday and Thursday morning I get on the same exact 78 bus with the same driver and every time I say "Good morning" and every time he stares straight ahead almost as though averting his eyes or blanking me and doesn't even look at my bus pass as I hold it up for him to see. I'm pretty sure I could get on here with a coupon if I wanted to. I could use the same transfer for weeks and I'm sure he's never notice. I'm not sure if he does this for everyone or just women or just me or what but it can be damn disconcerting.

I find it interesting how despite the fact that I long ago accepted myself for what I am and my main motivation for my school work is my own grades and benefit thereof, the greatest rush I get from good grades is not in my own reception of them but in showing them too my parents. Of course I take pride in them as well, but I suppose at the most basic level, despite my own independent desires, the need to please my parents is still there. Especially my Dad, who has always pushed me the hardest to succeed. It is not the goal and yet it is necessary.

There is something I enjoy about the cold. I don't much like leaving my warm bed in the morning, nor standing at the bus stop under-clothed for the weather but there is something about walking against the wind or taking a face-full of the gust of wind that comes after a large semi drives by, that is strangely exhilarating despite the bitter snap of cold. And I love seeing my breath in the air. I find myself intentionally exhaling with a child's fascination just to watch it. Sometimes even, despite the fact that the rest of my body is shivering, I love the feeling of the wind against my bare throat. But most of all, I think, the more than welcome, infinitely satisfying warmth of the bus as you enter it or even the very first sight of it rounding the last corner and slowing to stop in front of you. The outward rush of warm air as the doors swing open to admit you.
Yes, despite all of it's setbacks, I am winter-born and I do love it.

Got my first midterm back yesterday: 90%! I was well pleased with that especially after the prof went over all the solutions and the myriad of mistakes people had made at which point I was beginning to question my own responses. But then we picked up our exams on the way out and my spirits were immediately lifted.
It was a warm day yesterday. the autumn is giving us a last bit of warmth before giving way to winter and truly, so close to Halloween, I am greatful for it. Even at 7am this morning it was pleasantly warm outside and during the day the trees look gorgeous with their red and yellow leaves. I can see the sun coming up over the horizon, lining the sky with shades of pink and purple.
I've begun this week well, getting all of my assignments done early. Now all that's left to do it study for my other midterms.

Yellow leaves are overflowing the space between the path and fence surrounding the quad. There are great piles of them everywhere and even in the morning light they make the place sing of autumn. I hope the sun is out later so that I can see the trees and grass in full fall glory. I've seen it a few times lately however it is such a short season here that I always wish to see it's beauty as much as possible before the opportunity passes.
Finally got back my first 2160 assignment, a 90% as well and only because of some strange characters I couldn't get rid of in my output for the second question. Still, it is a triumph as well and an indication that I'm understanding the course. The midterm is on Thursday and while I no longer get nervous of such things I do worry about them. Considering the way things are going in this course on the whole, I have a feeling that my worries are misplaced and all will be well.

Spent six hours at work today moving stock around for renovations which I'd forgotten about. It took the whole shift and we didn't have time for breaks but the time sure passed quickly. The place was a mess when I left - boxes of repacked cameras and digital frames as high as the counter in the lab and all over the counter as well. Frames essentially blocked off access to half of the store and around 7, after the reno guys showed up, there were bits of new counters and tools all over the place too. The reno guys, two about my dad's age and one who I think was one of their sons, started drilling holes and moving the old camera cases out while Ashley and I built a giant gift box to hide the new Telus display. Then she, Jaqueline and I watched them work for a good solid house during which time no customers came in, then I closed down the tills and left. By the time I go back on Thursday, everything will be different!

Went to Josh's after work on Friday and didn't come home until 5pm today. Practiced a lot of guitar; when I had a bath tonight my finger tips stung with the heat of the water, but I love it. I got some work done on my Java homework yesterday, gotta finish 2130 tonight. Downloaded a few Switchfoot albums. Listening to them a lot lately. Before that it was Death Cab for Cutie and before them, Travis.
At some point over the last two days, autumn officially arrived and my car was coverred in leaves this afternoon when I left. My clothes smell sweet with smoke from being around Josh all weekend. I know most people wouldn't describe it that way but the scent reminds me of him rendering it pleasant to my senses. I find myself missing him already. It has been a great weekend.

First midterm of the semester today and I'm more worried about it than I ought to be. Should have studied more but I've felt so utterly drained this week that I've hardly been able to focus. At the very least, I can say I'm well rested and fed and at least it's Java, the easiest midterm I'll have to face. Hope I don't eat those words later... Mainly I want to see Josh. Missing him for so long and knowing that he's looking forward to seeing me too just makes me yearn for him all the more. My book (Kushiel's Avatar, which I finished last night instead of studying) being filled with romance and erotic scenes doesn't help my loneliness either. I'm going to do my best to relax tonight. Hopefully work will pass quickly - I'll price yesterday's stock and fantasize about my lover then unleash hours of pent-up longing upon him when I arrive at his place later. ;)

I've spent this whole week between work and school and while little has been accomplished in the way of homework, I am finding myself sorely in need of a break. Unfortunately my time after work tonight must be spent in preparation for tomorrow's midterm, after which I will go to work again and only then may I go to see Josh. I am dying to play guitar with him and cuddle with him. Due to this weeks lack of productivity, however, I still have two homeworks to do, one full and another half-done already. These I need to complete before the weekend is up. For now, however, I will continue to dream of the weekend, the fact that I don't have to work and thus may spend all of it with my love.

These days, between summer and winter, before daylight savings, the sun is just rising as the bus pulls into the stop at school. It is dark when I leave home in the morning, light when I arrive at school and dark again when I return home from work in the evening. Tonight it will be dark when I return to the arms of my love. The air us cool and fresh but does not yet bite as it will once winter has come. It is a pleasant walk through the quad to my first class and despite having had only five hours of sleep and nothing to eat, all feels right in the world. Peace is made with my homework, done or not and the thoughts of being with Josh at the end of the day keep me going through it. Any fears of something breaking between us allayed, at least for now. There is always love.

It is a deadly week, overall. With a midterm on Friday, the first of four to come, and work from as soon as I am able each day until nine with the exception of Wednesday on which I arrive home around 5:30pm after a full day of school. My one break is seeing Keagan and James that day, if only for an hour, as we do every Wednesday now. Even tonight when I go to see Joshua, my love, I must work. Even now, as soon as this bus reaches home, I must spend the hour and a half before work doing homework.
However, if I have been cursed with a difficult week, I have certainly been blessed with a weekend off. This I plan to spend reading and playing student to Josh as he is teaching me to play guitar. I hope with this weekend to make amends for the past events that have caused Josh and I to quarrel and begin a new chapter in our relationship with love that shall never fade.

Today is a day for fear. Fear of my midterms, fear of not being able to complete my assignments and fear for my relationship. I'm not so sure that any of those fears are justifiable but they are present, clouding my mind none the less. I worry mainly for Josh's certainty in this relationship. I've found him lately to be to be on edge or quick to annoyance and, given my recent behavior in his presence, I'm not sure I blame him. Of a certainty, I need to be investing a lot more time in this. I also need to cut my temper with things like homework and other drivers on the road. My other goal is to complain less. I'm not altogether unhappy with any aspect of my life. I suppose it's just something I've allowed to become a habit. From now on, my tongue must be guarded and my mind kept clear of anger and complaint. I must also learn to listen to Josh more, especially with regards to guitar.

LLAMA LLAMA LLAMA LLAMA LLAMA LLAMA LLAMA LLAMA!!!

I'm so happy I have my Joshy. I love him so much and I hope I have him forvever. He's drunk and sleeping at the moment but it's okay cause I love him for now and for ever. I love you Josh! Josh, Josh, Josh! I love his name! I love him and I love him and I hope we'll be together for evaaaaaarrrrr!!!!! He means the world to me and I want to get that into his dream but he keeps waking up every time I whisper to him. Anyway I gotta pee now but I want the world to know that I LOVE JOSHUA GRANT!!! XD

Almsivi!
--M--

Day 4

I had a terrible sleep, it was incredibly hot and there was a mosquito in our room all night, biting me. Josh woke up at 6 and started to tidy up the place. Keagan was up by 8 doing dishes and I got up at 9 to come help as Josh went back to bed. After a bit I woke James up and then a while later he woke up Josh. After that we were all busy cleaning, packing and getting ready to go. Josh dipped his head in the lake for the first time but didn't go swimming and Keagan and I did all the dishes (though admittedly Keagan did most of them while I packed up all the electronics and stuff). I made us all perogies for breakfast and we then we packed up the car and were out the door around 11:30. We stopped for gas and then hit the road once more.

The atmosphere in the car on the drive home was much less cheerful, largely due to the fact that none of us had wanted to leave and also partially because we were all still pretty tired from staying up late. We made a pit stop at the Ranger Station for some food and bathroom breaks. After that we didn't stop again until we got to Keagan's place. We came in through the city this time rather than around the perimeter like last year. After Keagan we took James home and then Josh and I went back to my place to unload everything else. By this time it was after 3:00 and so while Josh and my Mom unpacked the cooler, I had a quick showed and then we dropped Josh off at home on the way to pick up Lynne for the concert.

After that I went to the Winnipeg Folk Festival to see Elvis Costello with my Mom and Aunt Lynne and it was awesomely good fun. We were there for hours but we got a pretty good spot and although the other acts were all country music, they weren't too bad. In fact the first group was really good, 3 sisters from Georgia who played the Fiddle, the Madolin and something called a Dobro. They all had excellent voices though and their first song was Teardrop (Massive Attack) but an acoustic version.

Anyhoo, that more or less completes my Journal for the lake trip 2009, I wish it could have been in better detail but I didn't write as much during the trip as I'd thought I would and now (July 9^th) I've kind of forgotten a lot of stuff especially considering that I was drunk most of the time. I can't wait to watch the videos with the guys when we get together next, and we'll have to share all of our pictures as well as I'm sure Keagan has a bunch on her camera that I don't have on either of mine.

Almsivi

--M--

Current Mood: content

Day 3

Once we woke up Josh and I both went down to the dock to talk and made up from our fight the night before, so all was well with us. The plumber never showed up so we didn't have any hot water, meaning we still had to boil it in pots in order to be able to clean anything. We all started drinking again and I made sandwiches for Josh and I for breakfast. Keagan and I talked on the couch for a long time while Josh and James played more chess on the deck. Finally the time came to make the steak and after a few attempts by James at starting the barbeque, I called Ewan to ask how to do it. Once we managed to get it going, James cooked the steaks and some Portabello mushrooms for him, Keagan and Josh. Keagan and James also cooked some potatoes and seasoned them and finally, Josh and I made the salad.

While we waited for the steaks to cook, we listened to all the crazy, fun music on my computer like “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy” and “The Bad Touch” while dancing wildly all around the deck. Josh put on a cowboy type hat and rolled up his pant legs, then proceded to do the silliest and most awesome dance I've ever seen him do. After Josh, James and I danced around for a bit, linking arms and kicking our legs while Keagan filmed the entire spectacle. When the steaks were ready we set the table and all sat together, almost like a family, to eat. We drank to a wonderful trip, and our last night out and after discovering we'd finished off all the beer, we drank everything else we had left by playing “I've Never” and then James and Josh played a few rounds of “Tic Tac Toe Shots”. We mostly hung out and talked for the rest of the evening, once again almost went out to look at the stars but in the end we were all just too tired so we all just crashed, sad to see our last night at the cabin come to an end.

Current Mood: cheerful

Day 2
We got up later than I'd have liked; sometime around 11:30, Keagan and I did the the dishes as there were quite a lot left over from the night before. After that Keagan, Josh and I went into town to get Mayonaise and MGD while James stayed home to wait for the plumber. At the LCBO Josh went in to buy the beer, since the legal drinking age in Ontario is 21 and he's the only one old enough. While Keagan and I walked over to the park to take a look at the river and the Marina. When Josh came out we laughed at him from the hill as he peered into the car windows, wondering where we'd gone. When we got back, James had caught a mouse and a crayfish, as well as having attatched the old net to a long stick to catch the crayfish. The net has a huge hole in it, but it still works if you're fast enough. We caught more crayfish and the the boys played chess after which I made eggs and bacon while the others played with the crayfish. James managed to get a piece of string around one like a leash and walked it around the cabin.

James, Keagan and I all took lots of pictures and James caught a snapping turtle! After we took a butt load of pictures of the turtle, we released it back into the lake and Keagan started to prepare the pizza dough for dinner. We made a mickey mouse pizza and all enjoyed it a lot. After the first pizza Keagan, James and I went swimming while we waited for the dough for another pizza to rise and Josh took a few pictures of us jumping in and stuff. We made the second pizza penis shaped and I wrote on my laptop while Keagan looked and pictures and the boys played more guitar. Eventually we started playing a game James brought called “What's Yours Like?” but it turned out to be a really hard game and it ended with Josh and I have a pretty big fight. Meanwhile there was a mouse running around under the dining table while I managed to catch in a box with the help of Keagan and James who later disposed of it while Josh and I talked. After that I stayed up until sun rise with Keagan and James getting really, really drunk and watching “18 Year Old Virgin” and listening to reggae music really loudly. After the sun came up I joined Josh and went to sleep for a few hours.

Current Mood: upset

Day 1

I'm writing this on Day 2 but really that's to be expected considering the day we just had. First of all I got up and packed all the food, alcohol and my personal stuff into the trail blazer and was off by 8am. I gave James and Josh their wake-up calls and texted Keagan about a few things before heading out around 8am. I stopped at Shoppers for the milk so we wouldn't have to go into Kewaitin Place and then picked Keagan up by 8:30. We then got James, rearranged everything in the car and headed to Josh. It took us a good fourtyfive minutes to get all of Josh's stuff packed but eventually we managed to get going okay. Once underway we stopped once for gas and only one other time at the Manitoba-Ontario border for a bathroom and leg stretching break. James took a lot of pictures and we all blasted music pretty much the entire way. Once we arrived and got settled we started drinking and Keagan and I sat on the dock for a while, waving to all the boats that went by. James, Keagan and I played balderdash and then after a bit we were all feeling pretty silly so James, Keagan and I went Canoing out to the island and back while Josh played guitar and when we got back we all played guitar together for a while too. Then Keagan and I put on the wet suits and went for a swim for a bit while the boys played guitar some more.

In the evening we had a bonfire on which we roasted hot dogs and listened to more loud music. Keagan and I went for a walk at one point and picked a bunch of pretty daiseys. We played a bit of poker and almost looked at the stars but in the end were too drunk, lazy and tired so we all just went to bed

Current Mood: happy

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